Healthy Communication Through Filtering Systems

When communicating with your teenager, it's important to listen to the heart behind their words. Sometimes, teenagers struggle to express themselves, and as a parent, you can embrace the challenge of helping them learn. Accept your teenager’s uniqueness and recognize that, as humans, we often say things we don’t mean and hear things that were never intended. We all have different filtering systems that shape how we perceive situations, which can make effective communication difficult. Misinterpretation can leave us feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and even lonely. Given these challenges, it's amazing that we manage to communicate at all!

Understanding Filtering Systems

A filtering system is built on our internal foundation, which influences how we perceive life. This system is shaped by our experiences and the internal narratives, or “tapes,” that play in our minds. Take a moment to reflect—what messages do you hear in your thoughts? Perhaps they sound like:

• “Everyone is out to get me.”

• “I’ll never be good enough.”

• “No one ever listens to me.”

Or maybe your internal messages are more positive:

• “I’m worth it.”

• “People make mistakes.”

• “No one is perfect.”

  
  

These internal tapes create the lens through which we interpret conversations and interactions. Our belief system, life experiences, and personal insecurities all contribute to this filtering process.

How Filtering Affects Communication

When someone speaks to us, their words pass through our filtering system before we interpret them. If our system is rooted in distrust, insecurity, or past hurts, we may distort the intended message. For example, if someone says, “I need you to help more around the house,” but your filter includes thoughts like, “I’m never good enough,” you may misinterpret the comment as criticism rather than a simple request.

A humorous example of this can be found in recent TikTok videos where a parent asks their child to take out the trash, and the child dramatically interprets it as, “You hate me and want me to move out.” While exaggerated for comedic effect, these videos highlight a real issue—our filters can twist messages based on fears and insecurities rather than the actual words spoken.

Improving Your Filtering System

If you want to build healthier communication, it’s essential to examine your filtering system. Take time to reflect on the messages you replay in your mind and consider whether they align with reality. Are your filters helping or hindering your relationships? If necessary, work on shifting your internal narratives to allow for clearer, more constructive communication.

By adjusting your filtering system, you’ll improve not only your conversations but also the quality of your relationships. Start today, and experience the positive impact of truly hearing and understanding those around you! You got this!